City of Girls

I've just finished reading, actually listening to, the book City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love the way she tells stories. Interesting how the timing of me selecting and finishing this book relates to other musings of late. The topic? Relationships, and the different kinds of relationships we have. At the end of the book, the author in her unique way reminds us that different kinds of relationships are necessary. As we grow into more of our authentic self, the need we have for authentic relationships also grows. I believe one of our challenges as a society is acknowledging the different kinds of relationships people require and finding the language to communicate within these diverse relationships.

I like how the main character in Elizabeth Gilbert's book conveys the unique dynamics of the relationships she experiences. The character is telling her life story, her perspective, when she is significantly older. In reflections of my own relationships in my younger years compared to the present I definitely see the changes of the needs I have. I also realize more concretely what my needs were when I was younger, why I made the decisions that I did. This reflection helps me in my current season of life. I remember an elementary teacher once telling me, "Kelly, remember that there is always an end in a friend." I was obviously misspelling "friend-freind" but I remember thinking, I don't like that idea. However, now I understand that some friendships are intended to be for a short period of time and others are intended to be for a lifetime. The challenge of course is knowing what kind of relationship each one is meant to be, having the courage to live one's values in that relationship, and through the experience hopefully gain the intended wisdom the Universe desires.

A moment in my adult years occurred in which I asked myself, "Is this relationship a mistake?" I now believe I was asking the wrong question. Numerous alternative questions in regards to relationships are available. This is why I believe in the value of life coaching. Well trained and gifted life coaches have the ability to ask different questions while pushing a person to live their core values. But, as I write this blog, I realize I'm getting away from my original reason for sharing my thoughts.

I really like the book City of Girls.

I'm not a professional book reviewer; I'm simply acting as a consumer of popular general adult fiction. And so, the book pushed me to see another perspective of the different kinds of relationships we may experience. Also, while one kind of relationship works for one person, that same kind of relationship may not work for another. Here's the secret, I think, when considering the different relationships around us: remove judgment. I love reading realistic fiction because a well written story allows me to explore how various relationships evolve and challenges me to ask different questions about the relationships in my own life.

Vacation Hangover

La Jolla Shores, San Diego,
the cliff/caves between the cove and popular beach

I have a "vacation hangover." No, I didn't drink alcohol in excess. I went on vacation for 8 days. I went to my favorite location and spent as much time as reasonable on the southern California shore in the San Diego region. The weather was ideal. We hung out at different locations at different times of the day. Our accommodations were fabulous at my in-laws home. We were relaxed most of the time (except those moments when an idiot changes lanes, crosses in front of you too close at 70+ mph).

And I want to go back.

My husband said we needed to return on Saturday so we could recover before returning to work on Monday. But that Sunday was not enough for recovery because while my body was back home, attending to work/life responsibilities, my heart and spirit wanted to get up early and walk the path along La Jolla Cove while my mother-in-law completed her ritual swim. Instead, I awoke Monday to 80 degrees at 8 a.m. in the desert.

I console myself with the idea that we all must experience the waves of life. I am not retired yet, have a few working years left. I have a good life, applying my gifts in a capacity that benefits my community and meets my basic needs. But, there is a longing and a bit of anxiousness as I look forward to some day in the future that I can at least visit the ocean more often, as retiring next to it requires a sum of money that is currently not in the bank. 

Today is Tuesday and I am still attempting to get past the "vacation hangover." I completed a lot of the work related to-do's yesterday that come with being absent for a week. Today, I got more completed. At home, well, I just want to sit outside and remember. The ocean is the place I 'let go' of the thoughts racing in my head. The sound of the waves releases the must do/should do thoughts in my mind. My spirit is simply present. "The beach is not the place to work; to read, write or think...at least, not at first," says Anne Morrow Lindbergh in her book Gift from the Sea. "One is forced against one's mind, against all tidy resolutions, back into the primeval rhythms of the sea-shore...and then some morning in the second week, the mind wakes, comes to life again." (p. 15-16 pub.1955) Lindbergh describes the ocean exactly as I experience it. I needed the second week! Then my creative spirit and mind would be ready to collaborate. Some day I'll get that second week, maybe even a third, and I will be past this wave.

Recipe for Relationship

Sometimes relationships are messy. Anyone familiar with the Great British Baking Show? Recently I got hooked on this reality baking competition series. Here is why: I learn life lessons from watching alongside the entertainment. I'm not just referring to cooking and baking techniques, either. I see a metaphor to the different kinds of relationships we have on our journey. I don't know about you, but not all of my relationships are the same kind or have the same value.

So first, I'm going to share a bit about the show with judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood. Qualifying participants have a theme each episode such as cakes, breads, or biscuits. Each category has unique baking elements and participants are provided three opportunities in that category to demonstrate their skills. Two of the recipes are of the participants choosing in which they are given guidelines or criteria while one recipe is unknown until the day of the competition. My observation is that some participants have a diverse set of baking skills which gives them success in multiple categories while other participants are only successful in a few categories. The individual who learns how to create in the kitchen effectively in the majority of categories and applies a diversity of skills is generally recognized as the master baker.

How is the baking competition I describe related to relationships? Well, if one accepts the idea that not all relationships are the same, then maybe it can be accepted that a person can be really effective in some kinds of relationships and not as successful in other kinds of relationships. The person who learns to develop a diversity of purposeful relationships can essentially be identified as a very healthy human.

Developing a diversity of purposeful relationships I believe is a significant element of our journey as human beings. Enough social science studies have been done that I believe the readers of my page will accept the premise that we are designed by the authority of the Universe to be a species engaging in a diversity of relationships. The definition of relationship I am using is: the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected (Lexico). Therefore, we can have relationships with people of different ages, different cultural backgrounds and beliefs, the animal kingdom at large, the natural elements of the earth, and the entity of the spiritual realm. Then there is also the subcategory of human relationships such as a family member, intimate friend, co-worker, coach, etc. In each of these relationships, while they have similar ingredients, we develop and interact with different nuances.

Back to the Great British Baking Show...sometimes the bakers receive judgments in that their product is well designed in appearance but lack the desired flavors or texture. Sometimes the judgment is that the product presented is very messy in outer appearance but has excellent flavor. The "STAR BAKER" of the category is the one who gets both the outer appearance and inner quality accomplished. The positive part about the "STAR BAKER" component is that the person can be different for every category.

Some of us are really good at developing co-worker relationships while some of us are challenged in this category. Some of us are really good at fostering relationships with the animal kingdom and some of us have difficulty being in the same room as a pet cat. Some of us figure out how to have healthy family relationships and some of us experience challenges we wonder if we are able to overcome. My point is this, most of us are constantly having to learn how to experience a diversity of relationships. Not everyone can be a "STAR BAKER" all of the time. The goal for us, I believe, is to strive for that balance of healthy and diverse relationships. This requires loads of forgiveness as learning frequently (if not always) includes mistakes.

During our learning on this journey, we also need another component. That component is encouragement. On the Great British Baking Show I enjoy the presence of the hosts Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc. They bring a dash of frivolity, moments of empathy, and general support to the bakers. I am grateful for those relationships in my life who also provide these ingredients.

I am not a "STAR BAKER" all of the time. I experience life where relationships are sometimes "messy." My communication skills fail me, unkind thoughts flit through my brain, connection is lost, respect of time and space are ignored. Regardless of my mistakes, though, this will always be true for me: Life is a collection of relationships and we choose our relationships. And...some of my messy relationships have the most flavor.