Influencing Others

Influence: the power or intangible action of one thing or person which brings about an effect on another (Wordsmyth.net)

     Matthew walked home from school in his small town and pondered a word he heard that day. As a third grader he became bombarded with words he did not know as they were not used at home. He decided to ask his mom if she knew what the word meant.

     "Mom, what does the word 'influence' mean?"

     "Matthew, where did you hear that word?" Mom replied.

     "At school. A book said that President Lincoln influenced the Civil War but the teacher didn't explain what influence means."

     "Well, I believe that there is a powerful energy force which people sometimes name as God. Since I believe in God I attend a church service and take you to Sunday School. You trust me as your mom. You know that I will always make sure you have breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This is trust. When I take you to Sunday School you trust that you are being told truth. So, as result of this trust, I am influencing you to believe in God as I do. My participation in activities of the church also influence your decision in the participation of activities at the church. I influence your behaviors," explained Mom.

     "Ok, so does that mean teachers influence how much I learn?" asked Matthew.

     "Teachers MAY influence you. But here is the thing, my intelligent son. Teachers present to you specific content to develop your skills, but you must make the decision to learn. A teacher can attempt to influence, but you must also want to learn," Mom said.

     "So, because she shared a book with us about President Lincoln and I'm curious to know more, she has influenced me to research more and learn about the presidents," responded Matthew.

     "Exactly!"

     Can you identify the people, places, or things in your life which has greatly influenced you? Is there someone who influences how you see yourself which directly impacts the life choices you make, the kind of person you become? And when this person has a long term, positive impact upon you, how do you respond to that person? This last question is the one I have been reflecting upon.

     The word influence has a Latin derivative of the meaning "to flow in."  The beliefs of someone has flowed into me. Someone believed in my gift to communicate through written language. That someone influenced my decision to write, and then to write some more. The practice of writing influenced the quality of my writing as I opened myself to learn more during the experience. I received a gift that has no ending point. I trusted someone who then flowed into my way of thinking in a beautiful way. My problem is this: saying the two words thank you just doesn't seem to be enough.   

City of Girls

I've just finished reading, actually listening to, the book City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love the way she tells stories. Interesting how the timing of me selecting and finishing this book relates to other musings of late. The topic? Relationships, and the different kinds of relationships we have. At the end of the book, the author in her unique way reminds us that different kinds of relationships are necessary. As we grow into more of our authentic self, the need we have for authentic relationships also grows. I believe one of our challenges as a society is acknowledging the different kinds of relationships people require and finding the language to communicate within these diverse relationships.

I like how the main character in Elizabeth Gilbert's book conveys the unique dynamics of the relationships she experiences. The character is telling her life story, her perspective, when she is significantly older. In reflections of my own relationships in my younger years compared to the present I definitely see the changes of the needs I have. I also realize more concretely what my needs were when I was younger, why I made the decisions that I did. This reflection helps me in my current season of life. I remember an elementary teacher once telling me, "Kelly, remember that there is always an end in a friend." I was obviously misspelling "friend-freind" but I remember thinking, I don't like that idea. However, now I understand that some friendships are intended to be for a short period of time and others are intended to be for a lifetime. The challenge of course is knowing what kind of relationship each one is meant to be, having the courage to live one's values in that relationship, and through the experience hopefully gain the intended wisdom the Universe desires.

A moment in my adult years occurred in which I asked myself, "Is this relationship a mistake?" I now believe I was asking the wrong question. Numerous alternative questions in regards to relationships are available. This is why I believe in the value of life coaching. Well trained and gifted life coaches have the ability to ask different questions while pushing a person to live their core values. But, as I write this blog, I realize I'm getting away from my original reason for sharing my thoughts.

I really like the book City of Girls.

I'm not a professional book reviewer; I'm simply acting as a consumer of popular general adult fiction. And so, the book pushed me to see another perspective of the different kinds of relationships we may experience. Also, while one kind of relationship works for one person, that same kind of relationship may not work for another. Here's the secret, I think, when considering the different relationships around us: remove judgment. I love reading realistic fiction because a well written story allows me to explore how various relationships evolve and challenges me to ask different questions about the relationships in my own life.

Vacation Hangover

La Jolla Shores, San Diego,
the cliff/caves between the cove and popular beach

I have a "vacation hangover." No, I didn't drink alcohol in excess. I went on vacation for 8 days. I went to my favorite location and spent as much time as reasonable on the southern California shore in the San Diego region. The weather was ideal. We hung out at different locations at different times of the day. Our accommodations were fabulous at my in-laws home. We were relaxed most of the time (except those moments when an idiot changes lanes, crosses in front of you too close at 70+ mph).

And I want to go back.

My husband said we needed to return on Saturday so we could recover before returning to work on Monday. But that Sunday was not enough for recovery because while my body was back home, attending to work/life responsibilities, my heart and spirit wanted to get up early and walk the path along La Jolla Cove while my mother-in-law completed her ritual swim. Instead, I awoke Monday to 80 degrees at 8 a.m. in the desert.

I console myself with the idea that we all must experience the waves of life. I am not retired yet, have a few working years left. I have a good life, applying my gifts in a capacity that benefits my community and meets my basic needs. But, there is a longing and a bit of anxiousness as I look forward to some day in the future that I can at least visit the ocean more often, as retiring next to it requires a sum of money that is currently not in the bank. 

Today is Tuesday and I am still attempting to get past the "vacation hangover." I completed a lot of the work related to-do's yesterday that come with being absent for a week. Today, I got more completed. At home, well, I just want to sit outside and remember. The ocean is the place I 'let go' of the thoughts racing in my head. The sound of the waves releases the must do/should do thoughts in my mind. My spirit is simply present. "The beach is not the place to work; to read, write or think...at least, not at first," says Anne Morrow Lindbergh in her book Gift from the Sea. "One is forced against one's mind, against all tidy resolutions, back into the primeval rhythms of the sea-shore...and then some morning in the second week, the mind wakes, comes to life again." (p. 15-16 pub.1955) Lindbergh describes the ocean exactly as I experience it. I needed the second week! Then my creative spirit and mind would be ready to collaborate. Some day I'll get that second week, maybe even a third, and I will be past this wave.

Recipe for Relationship

Sometimes relationships are messy. Anyone familiar with the Great British Baking Show? Recently I got hooked on this reality baking competition series. Here is why: I learn life lessons from watching alongside the entertainment. I'm not just referring to cooking and baking techniques, either. I see a metaphor to the different kinds of relationships we have on our journey. I don't know about you, but not all of my relationships are the same kind or have the same value.

So first, I'm going to share a bit about the show with judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood. Qualifying participants have a theme each episode such as cakes, breads, or biscuits. Each category has unique baking elements and participants are provided three opportunities in that category to demonstrate their skills. Two of the recipes are of the participants choosing in which they are given guidelines or criteria while one recipe is unknown until the day of the competition. My observation is that some participants have a diverse set of baking skills which gives them success in multiple categories while other participants are only successful in a few categories. The individual who learns how to create in the kitchen effectively in the majority of categories and applies a diversity of skills is generally recognized as the master baker.

How is the baking competition I describe related to relationships? Well, if one accepts the idea that not all relationships are the same, then maybe it can be accepted that a person can be really effective in some kinds of relationships and not as successful in other kinds of relationships. The person who learns to develop a diversity of purposeful relationships can essentially be identified as a very healthy human.

Developing a diversity of purposeful relationships I believe is a significant element of our journey as human beings. Enough social science studies have been done that I believe the readers of my page will accept the premise that we are designed by the authority of the Universe to be a species engaging in a diversity of relationships. The definition of relationship I am using is: the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected (Lexico). Therefore, we can have relationships with people of different ages, different cultural backgrounds and beliefs, the animal kingdom at large, the natural elements of the earth, and the entity of the spiritual realm. Then there is also the subcategory of human relationships such as a family member, intimate friend, co-worker, coach, etc. In each of these relationships, while they have similar ingredients, we develop and interact with different nuances.

Back to the Great British Baking Show...sometimes the bakers receive judgments in that their product is well designed in appearance but lack the desired flavors or texture. Sometimes the judgment is that the product presented is very messy in outer appearance but has excellent flavor. The "STAR BAKER" of the category is the one who gets both the outer appearance and inner quality accomplished. The positive part about the "STAR BAKER" component is that the person can be different for every category.

Some of us are really good at developing co-worker relationships while some of us are challenged in this category. Some of us are really good at fostering relationships with the animal kingdom and some of us have difficulty being in the same room as a pet cat. Some of us figure out how to have healthy family relationships and some of us experience challenges we wonder if we are able to overcome. My point is this, most of us are constantly having to learn how to experience a diversity of relationships. Not everyone can be a "STAR BAKER" all of the time. The goal for us, I believe, is to strive for that balance of healthy and diverse relationships. This requires loads of forgiveness as learning frequently (if not always) includes mistakes.

During our learning on this journey, we also need another component. That component is encouragement. On the Great British Baking Show I enjoy the presence of the hosts Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc. They bring a dash of frivolity, moments of empathy, and general support to the bakers. I am grateful for those relationships in my life who also provide these ingredients.

I am not a "STAR BAKER" all of the time. I experience life where relationships are sometimes "messy." My communication skills fail me, unkind thoughts flit through my brain, connection is lost, respect of time and space are ignored. Regardless of my mistakes, though, this will always be true for me: Life is a collection of relationships and we choose our relationships. And...some of my messy relationships have the most flavor.

Being Present

Recently my good friend held her 5 for 5 Brain Dump series. Julie Jordan Scott provides inspirational and motivational writing prompts that I simply love to participate in. Creating a community of writers and artists is one of her gifts. 

The above Tolle quote was shared during one of these writing sessions and that week I also had the opportunity to relax at the Sugar House Park (Salt Lake City area) before driving the 150 miles home. These waterfowl understand naturally what it means to "be present." So, how is it that our advanced human species finds this concept so difficult? I live in a what is labeled as rural Nevada and yet I love going to the city for the diversity of life and all the stimulation that is part of urban life. I've come to the conclusion that where one physically lives does not necessarily encourage or discourage one's behavior towards being present or not being present. I do believe that Tolle has touched on something...negativity. I also think that there is more to being present than what Tolle is indicating in this statement. I am still trying to articulate this elusive idea of being present for myself but I want to write about it anyway. 

I have discovered that at different times of the day my energy and focus on the world around me is different. We all have patterns in our behavior whether we realize it or not. I've partly come to this conclusion from my writing moods. Sometimes when I write I am able to easily put words on the page that show what is happening within and around me. Other times I have trouble putting the words on the page. I have a sense that when my best writing comes to the page I am living fully in the present moment (and I also know that is when I am most tuned in to the spiritual energy forces at work).  

But the question is, what do I need to do so I am more present in the moment more often? Maybe, I need to first identify what is NOT being in the present moment. Do you ever go on "autopilot" when driving a daily route, or completing a routine task? This is not being in the present moment. Our brains develop automaticity for efficiency. For example, we train children to memorize basic math facts or phonetic patterns so that completing higher level thinking problem solving or comprehension can be the focus of the experience of learning. That memorizing is automaticity. As a human species, we've become pretty good at that concept to the point that our muscle memory can actually prevent us from being aware of our own actions.

We also have a very good brain filtering system. This again is for efficiency of functioning in our modern environment. What do I mean by this? Well, when I go shopping in a mall many things are happening all around me. However, my brain only pays attention to things I've trained it to notice like "On Sale" or "50% off" signs. So, in this case, I've limited what I'm paying attention to. So, while some may say "I am always in the present moment when I'm shopping" there are going to be periods of time that the individual is ignoring a lot of the environment like the noise or crowd of other people shopping.

So, now that I've come up with some ways to describe not being present, I come back to the question, what do I need to do so I am more present in the moment more often?  Well, I believe on that day trip to the city and spending time at the park with my son, simply observing the ducks and eating a scoop of ice cream I was living in the present moment. I know this for a couple reasons. One, I had a great desire to take a picture. Taking photos is a way for me to stop and observe and allows me to create a recorded image of that present moment. Second, I fully tasted the smooth jamocha almond fudge ice cream and felt the crunch of the waffle cone in my mouth. On my day trips to the city, this example shows something simple I can do to stay in the present moment of being with my son. 

More ideas are slowly coming to mind as to what it means for me to be present. This is why I write. This is why I love the prompts my creative friend shares with me.   

Routine

So, I haven't written for awhile. I haven't put any words onto the page. And why is that? I have been out of my normal life routine for two weeks! Even as I write this I am not at home. I had an unexpected family medical situation. And so I jumped on a plane to assist. Now, this blog post is not going to go into detail about the medical situation. That would not be respectful to the family member. However, let's just say this event has kind of put me at odds with the pen on the paper. This writing is a brain dump, unplanned, little editing, just putting words on the page as I sit in a Starbucks on the day before I travel home. So, my writing may not sound the same. But I suppose that is okay also.

I always have enjoyed vacations. Vacations are PLANNED out of routine get aways. This was not planned and while there are some good things that have come out of this trip to the home town of my youth, I do miss my Nevada home. I miss home routines. I like trying things new. I love the fact that I saw family I have not seen for, well, in some cases many years. I love having special bonding time with siblings. I love that the mystery aunt who always sends books at Christmas is now known a bit more. And my host during this trip is a beautiful person but I still miss my own shower, the looks my teenagers give me when I ask for chores to be done, hanging out in the other room while my husband goes through his routine in the evening after work. I miss the family cat either complaining or cuddling next to me. Two weeks and I'm ready to fly home.

All the family medical is not resolved. This is the not so good part of the trip. But, I need to go home to my routine and regroup, so to speak. So, my writing community, this is what you get today. Raw words, still with some protection of the emotions I am feeling, but still me.

Homemade Soup

The business day done, meeting the demands of the work environment put to rest one more time, driving through some weather the couple miles to my home, and just wanting to warm up and relax. No hassle with fixing something for dinner, I'm just calling the family to the table and serving up some homemade chicken noodle soup prepared earlier this morning. Chicken chunks, softened celery, colorful carrots, thick noodles, classic? Oh but wait, what is the seasoning added this time? 

My family has accepted that every Crock-Pot of my homemade soup is unique. I could never be a professional chef because even when I attempt to duplicate the recipe, the end product is not quite the same. And most of the time, the bowl placed in front of my family is enjoyable, except of course when it is not. Because you see, I learned how to cook from my step-father. I think of him now, almost 10 years since his passing, and wonder if he ever had any training as a chef or just in business management. Dennis taught me how to cook, not in our home as much as in his restaurants that I began working as a young girl. Anyway, he taught me that a recipe is a guide and once you learned the basic recipe, taste and experiment to add your signature. I learned all sorts of things from Dennis preparing foods for his cold and hot buffet, grill, and doing everything else involved in the business. And today, my go to meal for the family as a working mom is the homemade soup. 

I create soup not from a specific recipe, but from a basic concept. I use what I have available. Soup requires a good stock (homemade is the best and most nutritious but not always available), a selection of veggies, a protein source, some dairy (even in light soup a small spoon of butter), a grain (sometimes simply in the form of a good cracker or bread to add as a side), seasonings, and a sweetener to bring out the contrasting spices. I fill up the large Crock-Pot, as I don't know how to make in small quantities, (when I'm an empty nester, we best buy a smaller Crock-Pot!) Ta-da! Dinner, alongside lunch for the rest of the week, is done!

I like creating soup because there really is no right or wrong way to make it. However, I imagine some would argue with me on that belief. A soup recipe is a guide. Soup is supposed to be unique to the situation. In the spring one may enjoy a light broth based soup and in the summer a cold Gazpacho soup. Come autumn, a warm squash soup may be desired or in winter a hearty, thick, creamy soup hits the spot. The key to good soup --- diversity. We all need diversity in life. Diversity keeps us healthy. Having alternate ingredients keeps us vibrant. Creativity is also an important element as through creativity we can experience 'awe.'

And if you think this post is just about making soup, read again. 

Sometimes in soup I've added ingredients for their flavor or nutritional value that have broken down to a point my kids are oblivious, like cauliflower. And then some ingredients are always going to be obvious, like tomatoes. Then I occasionally substitute ingredients for a slightly different flavor, like leeks and my kids think I've simply added large green onions. Oh, and one day my kids asked, "What is agave? What do you use this for? The bottle is almost gone."

We all have a kitchen with staple ingredients. The secret is searching for unique ingredients at the right time, knowing when to risk adding something different or unknown, keeping staples close at hand for stability, and knowing it is okay to be spontaneous. Creating homemade soup and sharing it with others is my gift to my family and friends.